The Psychopath’s Guide To Women’s Footwear
We’ve all heard the old saying that blondes have more fun. I can directly refute that claim as I’ve had far more fun with my wife since her hair mysterious changed from blonde to light brown, than I did with her before that change. Similarly, I didn’t have much fun during an ill advised period where I had highlighted my own hair with blonde. The question that plagues me though is whether or not women in heels, have more fun than women in flats. More specifically, whether or not women in heels have happier relationships than women in flats.
Why do I wonder this you may be asking yourself. Because I have casually observed in the last few years that the women that I see wearing heels, or wedges, seem to be a bit more enthralled with their men than those in flats. Moreover their husbands seem to be more content with their wives as well. Unfortunately this isn’t a simple question to answer as it requires careful observation, analysis, and standardization in order to get accurate results.
Of course, for the purpose of this study the measurement of “happiness” has to be a subjective physical observation done by me in an impromptu fashion. If I were to actually take a survey of couples I’m doubting that many of them would say that they’re unhappy in their relationships, just like I’m doubting that many men would give that answer. Even when a relationship is failing, we don’t like to admit it. We humans hate failure. If we can project an image of success, that is the next best thing to actually succeeding, whether in business, sports, or relationships. Without being able to just ask the question, “Are you happy?” I’m left to my own skills of perception and intuition, which luckily are pretty damn awesome!
As you may have already guessed, my wife pretty much wears heels round the clock. It’s not that I require her to, but I’ve told her many times that flats are basically the ugliest thing ever, which was motivation enough to get her another 4-6 inches in the air. Go figure. Oddly enough, many women have shown disgust when they’ve heard me talk about this. They throw out words like superficial, shallow, chauvinistic, asshole, etc. My theory is that the reason that they are so upset is because they’re worried that I’m right. They’re worried that their husbands, boyfriends, or even prospects are thinking the same thing as I am. In case you haven’t guessed it, they ARE!
Any man I’ve asked, and I’ve asked quite a few, has told me that they prefer heels to flats on their women. Now does this mean that your man instantly thinks you’re hideous in your flats? No, of course not. There is that peculiar thing called love that doesn’t turn off at the drop of a shoe. Handy little device, that love. Also, they may find other parts of you attractive enough to overlook the amputee type of look that flats give your legs. Many men, quite frankly, won’t express any distaste in their women’s appearance out of fear of the repercussions of saying something. Men have been conditioned for years to think of women as emotionally and mentally fragile creatures. The slightest negative comment can send the species spiraling out of control, or so we’ve been told. I have no such fear. But believe me, whether your man is saying it or not, he wants you in heels. Why wouldn’t he? They make you taller, which is always a good thing. Ever notice that most models seem to have long legs? Yeah, that’s not a coincidence. Not only do heels make you look taller but they force you to walk on tip toe which flexes your calf muscles, and elongates the leg which makes it look thinner. All of these things are not only amazing, but are classic qualities of beauty. Heels were designed with a very specific purpose in mind and they perform it quite well.
So as my wife and I were out and about one night we started to watch those couples around us. Specifically looking for signs of a happy relationship versus a sad one. Not surprisingly this wasn’t as cut and dry as you might think but we did come across two spectacular case studies at one store. We spotted both couples, who we’ll call heels and flats, in the parking lot. Mr and Mrs Flats got out of their vehicle and started walking towards the store. Mrs Flats was wearing an oversized baggy top, with some plain jeans and ballet flats. She had on too much makeup and wore the frown of a catholic school nun. Her top suggested that she probably had some confidence issues with her body and wanted to shroud herself as much as possible. Either that or she likes to sweat her ass off in the summer heat. Too much makeup backed up my theory on her confidence issues. She was in her early thirties probably with a decent body, blonde hair, and average height. Her husband looked like he may have just rolled off the couch or possibly just got back from coaching JV basketball. We’ll never know. They walk to the entrance of the store, he enters, then she follows. As she enters she sees my wife, who is wearing a shirt that proudly displays her cleavage, and she gives her the stink eye from hell. They separate in the store, husband never to be seen again. No real conversation was being had between them and if they hadn’t gotten out of the same vehicle you might not have guessed they were even together.
A few minutes later we spy Mrs Flats shopping for swim suits. Now I’ve been shopping with my wife hundreds of times, and nothing makes my day more than shopping for swim suits. Essentially it’s her picking out underwear that society has deemed okay for her to parade around in public in. Again, Mrs Flats had a pretty decent boy hidden beneath her makeup, baggy shirt, and boring jeans. Why the hell wouldn’t Mr Flats want to be checking out his wife while she tries on the equivalent of waterproof lingerie? Survey says: Miserable.
Then we have Mr and Mrs Heels. They arrive in the parking lot of the same store. Mrs Heels is probably 10-15 years older than Mrs Flats, and is sporting a fairly form fitting sun dress, little to no makeup, and at least 4” wedges. Mr Heels isn’t dressed up by any means but he certainly looks good for a dude in his 40’s on a saturday night. They walk to the entrance together, all the while talking loudly and laughing. As he goes to open the door for his wife he sees my wife and I, and our growing troop of kids coming. He then olds open the door for my wife and kids, smiles at all of us, and his wife, seeing my wife in the same shirt that Mrs Flats saw her in, gives my wife a genuine smile and hello. We then spy them multiple times throughout the store holding hands, smiling, laughing, talking, etc. Survey says: Happy!
Of course I’m making a HUGE generalization here but you get my point. Men like women in heels. Man with woman in heels is happy, man with other woman is not. Woman in heels is confident, happy, and friendly; woman in flats is none of the above. This is actually a layer of a much larger cake. That cake is making your spouse, girlfriend, date, whatever, happy!!! If your man likes heels, wear them! If your man likes you wearing cowboy boots, wear them! If he likes you with nothing on your feet, then just do it! I can’t speak for women, but speaking for men, we will get what we want. We’ve been raised and conditioned to go after our dreams. If you want something, go and get it! This doesn’t stop in the world of relationships. Show me an example of a man or woman cheating, and I’ll show you a couple that wasn’t completely satisfied. I know that nobody likes to admit it, and we always say to the person who got cheated on, “Oh it wasn’t your fault,” but it was. At least partially.
Now before you go running for the pitch forks, here me out. First, cheaters are assholes. I don’t care if you’re cheating in your marriage, or cheating at checkers, you’re an asshole. I’ve told my wife many times, you’ll know if I’m seeing another woman because you’ll have been served with divorce papers weeks prior. Cheating is never, not in any case, justifiable. BUT that doesn’t change the fact that it isn’t always one sided. Any man that I’ve ever known who has cheated, and unfortunately I’ve known several, he’s always been searching for something he’s not currently getting. If his wife is a fantastic mother, and homemaker, who is nurturing and kind, but can’t get a bit freaky when the time is right, then guess who he’s going to end up in bed with someday? That slutty chick he meets at a bar some night when he’s waisted. Vice versa, if his wife is a total freak who can never just chill out, wrap up in a blanket, and lie in bed while talking through the night, then guess what he’s going after someday? Someone that he meets in a coffee house, or in a book store who never stops listening, and can’t get enough of his witty musings. The same applies to husbands too. We all have to be the sinner and the saint. We have to be the daredevil, and the cautious one. Just enough patent leather, and just enough lace.
Now this is not to say that your relationship will end with cheating, or end at all, if this is the case. Failure doesn’t necessarily mean an ending in this case. I’ve known plenty of married couples who have just stayed together in spite of all of this. I hear the husbands go on and on about the women they’d love to bang, or some chick’s ass, etc, etc. As soon as a friend gets engaged these are the guys rushing to the yellow pages looking for strippers. These are not the actions of a satisfied man. He may never cheat on his wife physically, but he’s damn sure done it a million times in his head, which I consider just as bad. I can proudly, and ever so self righteously say that I do not, and have not, fantasized about anyone other than my wife, since I met her. Why? Oh, you know the answer already. Because she is everything I want her to be. And when that image changes in my head, as it’s bound to do over the last 11 years, she changes with it.
That road goes both ways too. When my wife and I met, I owned about 115 t-shirts, 4 pair of baggy dirty jeans, and 1 pair of big ugly black boots. Now I have maybe 4 t-shirts that I wear to the gym and nothing else but button down shirts, polos, and sweaters. My jeans are all tight enough to raise my voice an octave, and I own more shoes than I thought any one man ever should. Why? Because it’s what gets her motor running. What do I care what I’m wearing, or what I look like? I’m not trying to turn myself on here. She wants it, so I deliver it. I just literally through a pair of pants in the garbage because she told me they don’t do much for her. She didn’t say she hated them, or even that they were ugly. She simply said they didn’t turn her on. That left me with one question, “what’s the point of ever wearing these again?” In the trash they went. It may sound silly, but my goal is to make sure that for the rest of our lives she is only ever attracted to me.
Again, I realize there is that little thing called love. We’ve got it, and we’ve got it by the truckload. I LOVE my wife! People always say, “I married my best friend,” and then they go out on saturday nights or sunday afternoons with their REAL best friends. Fuck you. I not only married my actual best friend, I married the ONLY person to walk this fine green earth that I want to spend every single waking minute with. Not a single second has ever gone by that I have thought I would rather be hanging out with someone else, somewhere else. When I am forced to do so by circumstance or tradition (ie a friend’s bachelor party) I count the seconds until I get back to her. She is better than EVERYONE in every way. Accept it, dear reader. You are a failure compared to her glory. So needless to say, we are in love. If she were to suddenly be horribly disfigured and have the appearance of those sides of beef that Rocky beat the shit out of in Rocky 1, then that would be unfortunate. I wouldn’t leave her, and I wouldn’t stop loving her, but I wouldn’t be attracted to her anymore. *Pause while I wait for you to imagine me burning in hell.* It’s just a simple fact, and I’m shallow enough to admit it. I don’t want to just have my wife’s undying love for the rest of my life, I want her undying attraction. I want her to think to herself, “damn he’s hot,” every time I walk into a room, and so I expect no less from her.
Whether this is crazy, old fashioned, backward, awesome, or totally fucked up is beyond me, but I can tell you it works. I can tell you that after 11 years of living together, sleeping together, spending pretty much every hour of every day together, I’m not bored, I’m not stagnant, and I’m completely happy. I still get goosebumps when I see her walk into a room, and I still compare every woman I see to my wife (they’ve all lost the contest by the way). She is my golden standard for everything a woman, mother, wife, or sex demon should be. While I know that everyone has their own type, to me my wife is the perfect culmination of all features a woman can have, both physical and spiritual. I pity those who have ever thought otherwise about their significant other.
Another tangent ridden hard, and another few minutes wasted for you my dear readers. If you’re a woman reading this, go put on some damn heels and watch your husband’s reaction. I guarantee you, it will be a positive one. If you’re a man reading this, ask yourself if you’ve ever fantasized about someone other than your wife. If you have, make a list of the features of that fantasy woman. Grow a pair of balls, prepare for a colorful conversation, and take that list to your wife. Good luck my friend. Your journey will be worth it.