The ebb and flow…I seem to have these peaks and dips, like everyone else I assume, in my mood. I’ll go a few days or weeks feeling very positive and energetic, and then the low point creeps in. Everything looks bleak, I obsess over the inevitable and the depressing, and I lose even the basic motivation required to tolerate those around me.
It’s during these times that I miss ol’ Nebraska. Not the state of course, but the people. Having a support network, and friends, other than my wife. She’s great, but sometimes I just need some musicians around to jam with, and get ideas out. I haven’t had that in 3 years.
Strangely enough, when I’m feeling depressed I actually don’t make much music. My music is like me taking an emotional and contemplative shit. When I have writers block (as I do now) my mind gets all backed up. I can’t get the demons out so they just build up and drag me down. Eventually the mental floodgates will open, it will all pour out, and I’ll be fine again. Until then I am frustrated, paranoid, anxios, angry, disappointed, and struggling to not appear to be any of these things so that I camaintain invisibility from those around me.
I can still remember a time when I was myself around a few select friends. Now we’ve scattered ourselves around this country and my only refuge is found with my wife. She’s my life preserver in this ocean of mental excrement. I have to wonder if I’ll eventually deflate even her.