depression hurts…

I’m sure everyone has seen those commercials with the soft music, and sad people staring blankly at TV screens, with the gentle voice saying “Depression hurts.” As much as I hate the commercial, it’s true. I’ve been diagnosed with/as many fun things over the course of my life. Originally they said I had manic depressive disorder, with an added bonus of “Generalized Anxiety Disorder.” They gave me a bunch of pills and swore that it would clear it all up. It would make my head calm down and be more polite to me. It didn’t. It just made me feel blank. As blank as the people in the lame commercials. It got me to where those people apparently started. So then they gave me more pills, and more pills, and different pills, and still different pills. Finally I got tired of munching down bottles of prescriptions and refused to take anymore. That didn’t sit well with the all knowing doctors, so I eventually agreed to take them, then would flush 1 of each down the toilet each day. Kept the parents happy, kept the doctors happy, and I was back to zero. 

Eventually I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder (can’t remember if I was Bipolar 1 or 2), and my anxiety disorder was further classified as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Apparently my counting of oven knobs, and light switches was annoying people. guess what? more pills! had I been a smarter kid I would have just sold the things and made a killing. Instead I continued my regimented flushing of them and eventually learned to cover my emotions, and increasingly odd compulsions. Now that I live on my own I’m free to count my oven knobs and lightswitches all I damn well please. 

Why am I ranting about all of this? Because every now and again I tend to lose control over my brain and it gets the best of me. When that happens I slip into god awful fits of depression and anxiety. I’ve been slowly sliding down into this pit for a few days and am not so pleased to report that I have arrived. (here comes the tie in!!!) This is the all consuming fathomless regression. I have nothing else to say. I am redundant.

Fathomless Regression

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About fathomlessregression

I am a musician, writer, painter, brother, husband, and father. I have more questions about life than I do answers, and spend the majority of my time exploring the infinite number of possibilities that exist. This is accomplished through my art, music, writing, and most of all through conversation. View all posts by fathomlessregression

One response to “depression hurts…

  • Andrew Hageman

    Please bare with me as I query and rant in response to your struggle.

    How can one lose control of himself?
    Is this the same as losing control of one’s computer or automobile?

    I must ask, what are you most afraid of?

    Then, if there is a fear, where did it come from?
    Does it stand as a legitimate reason for any particular behavior?

    Sorry to go all psychological on you, but I’m sure you’d expect nothing else. It is extremely unfortunate that you were subjected to pharmacological experimentation… human gunea pig status in a sense. Damn chemists and their desire to rule the world by controlling our minds!

    May I propose a book? I’d love to hear what you think of C.G Jung’s Memories, Dreams, Reflections. It’s a pretty sweet autobiography and it explores a lot of ideas such as what it means to “lose control”. I think you’d dig it.

    Much love brother man!
    Don’t let the labels tell you who you are!

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