During a somewhat intoxicated discussion with a friend many years ago I made the comment that if I wasn’t miserable, I don’t know what I would even talk about. He agreed. It’s not that we were deeply dark and depressed people walking around listening to NIN or Manson all day long and talking about our pain constantly. The point was that 99% of our conversations revolved around anger towards other, lost loves, angst, confusion, depression, etc, etc, etc. Come to think of it maybe we were really dark and depressed. Doesn’t really matter.
I’ve come a long way since then (hopefully he has too). I was sitting on the couch tonight watching Purple Violets (great movie by the way) with Linz while Nev slept on the couch beside us, and it hit me. I really do have a wonderful life. I don’t know when exactly it happened but somewhere in my sorted past I managed to forge for myself the exact world that I dreamt about so many years ago.
Not to sound like I’m bragging or anything but I really have achieved what I set out to. I have a family based entirely on mutual love, not on genetic ties or subconscious feelings of obligation. I have all the time in the world to work on my music, writing, and other creations. I have the dog that I always wanted as a kid. I spent all day today with my girls, shopping, talking, lounging in pajamas, reading, etc. What else could I ask for?
If you ever have the “good fortune” to hear any of my older songs, or read the lyrics of them, you’ll notice a MILLION references to some illusive dream. I don’t know that I ever defined what the dream was and I don’t know that I ever could but basically it was a vision in my head of what I wanted my life and my world to be. Needless to say that at that time, my world was not what I wanted it to be. Now, somehow, it has become that. That’s not to say that it’s all problem free. I do still have problems and frustrations, and pain, and depression, and all the other fun stuff that’s screwed with my brain since forever. I also have the outside world, and its inhabitants, trying to come into my world and pollute it. Trying to poison what I’ve created. Now of course this world I refer to of mine, is in my head only but that’s all that matters. I don’t much care for the physical world, and try and isolate myself from it as much as possible. That’s why I’m so happy when I have days like today. It’s just the three (four technically) of us with no outside distractions or bothers.
We can believe that all is well, that people are good, and that the world is a good place. No one is around to tell us otherwise. No news, no rumors, nothing. We are happy, we are good for one another, we are safe together. Part of that feeling of safety is trying to get my head into a “safe place.” One way I do that is by taking myself back to some memory of childhood that was safe for me, or comforting. They seem to be few and far between in my memory, but perception is becoming my reality anyway. One thing that always made me feel safe is the smell of chili cooking in the house. No matter what nightmare I was enduring in that house, the smell of chili cooking just kind of made me forget it all. So tonight, for the first time in 7 years, I recreated that in my kitchen with the help of Linz and Nev. It really took me back and put me in a place where I knew my brother, loved my mother, and everything was simple again. There were no complications, no bad blood, just family in a broken down apartment. Hopefully 22 years from now Nev will be doing the same thing in her home, whether it’s for her family, just herself, or her significant other at the time. Hopefully that smell will trigger the same mental effect and let her breath a bit easier for a while. Let her head stop the static for a bit. That is part of my dream.
So to sum up this rather long ranting, I am happy. I searched for years, I’ve had to fight somewhat hard to get here, and have lost or eliminated almost every person I’ve ever known in my life, but I have finally created a world for myself in which I am happy and can actually be genuine (for better or worse). That is the dream, and I have found it.