confusing thoughts on a confusing day

So I posted the blog below mentioning someone’s personal situation that I had written a song about. Hopefully I’m not overstepping my bounds but earlier today that person passed away. Here is the tricky part: I don’t know her. I’ve never met her before, and have only seen a few pictures. I know her husband, and even he and I share a very vague relationship as acquaintences who occasionally share smart ass remarks and shots at one another. I don’t really KNOW these people in the way that I know my brother, or my wife. But I know the idea of them. As mentioned in a previous post, I have radar I entrust these things to. The few photos I’ve seen and few stories I’ve heard were all I needed to know that these two were genuine, and genuinely in love with one another.

The fact that they actually loved each other and had created a life based on that is what draws me to them I suppose. I meet so few people who actually seem to truly love each other and want to be with each other. There are plenty of actors out there and plenty of people who are together out of habit or necessity, and when they pass away you usually say nice things like “They were so in love.” These are lies we tell because we need to say something in order to grieve. Well I don’t need to grieve and I don’t lie. These guys seemed legit and because of that I mourn the loss of a true bond. The loss of a seemingly honest person. The loss of a human. The loss of a thinking person (there are so few of them left).

I’m a husband, and I can’ t begin to imagine what this guy is going through. If my wife died, left me, or disappeared for whatever reason I would literally stop functioning. Maybe not die, but for all intents and purposes I would be gone. I cannot function without my wife, and I do mean that literally. She spent a weekend away visiting friends and family once and I spent the entire time lying on a friends couch in a drug induced haze trying to stop my mind from working. She literally balances me out, and makes this world pallitable, which allows me to function in it. I don’t know if this guy has the same type of relationship or not, but I know he’s got to be torn apart right about now. I would offer him consolation, or a shoulder to cry on, or something but I have the feeling that it won’t really help him right now.

I find my response to this situation odd though. I’ve had two grandfathers (that I really liked) die in my life, I’ve had 6 classmates die (1 of which was a good friend of mine who killed himself), and countless other relatives and acquaintences die before. None of them affected me quite like this. I’ve never cried at a funeral, and only once can I remember crying over the loss of someone. I have not cried during this episode either but the desire was stronger than before. Even my wife has broken down in tears during conversations about these two people. We do not know them. Not in any real sense. Why are we so attached to them? Why are we mourning the loss of someone we didn’t know? I don’t have an explanation for it. I think a big part of it may be that we see them as a reflection of us somehow. We both have one child (around the same age), we seemed to have similar senses of humor, and most of all they seemed to not only love each other (in an obligatory way) but rather they liked each other. They enjoyed one another’s company. They were a unit. It reflects us and I think this entire situation has made us reenact the ordeal with ourselves as the players rather than them.

That’s a really poor explanation of something happening in my mind that I don’t understand, but it’s all I’ve got right now. I don’t know what else to say. I have decided that I’m going to put the song mentioned in my post below out onto the web. For some reason I feel that it is my connection to a woman I never knew. It’s a bridge that I tried to build between two strangers for reasons that I still don’t understand. The song will be on http://www.myspace.com/zerotalent if you do want to check it out. It should be up within a few days (I need to record it). If anyone is offended by the posting of this, or feels it’s inappropriate in any way, please email me at halogenmoon@hotmail.com right away. I will remove it right away. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I have no idea what I’m trying to do. I just feel like I should do it. If anyone who knows the woman I’m talking about is reading this then just know that you’ve got my condolences and my thoughts have been on her for weeks now. I can’t shake her and have no idea why.

the rambler

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About fathomlessregression

I am a musician, writer, painter, brother, husband, and father. I have more questions about life than I do answers, and spend the majority of my time exploring the infinite number of possibilities that exist. This is accomplished through my art, music, writing, and most of all through conversation. View all posts by fathomlessregression

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