Multiple Personality Disorder?

Is it really a disorder or is it an adaptation? Like fur that camouflages us to protect us from predators. I have multiple personalities. I have my work personality, my friends personality, my public personality, and then my real personality. All of these can be turned on or off separately, or in conjunction with one another, which allows me to survive in many different situations. Take my day job for instance. I work in sales, in a typical office environment, with all that that entails. As you may or may not have observed from this blog, I am not your typical office worker, and it would seem natural that I would have a problem conforming to such an environment. I conform just fine, because I can switch off my other personalities, go into “work mode”, and make it through the day. All of the tedious rules, and polite chit chat don’t bother me because I’ve shut that part of my brain down.

Similarly I have a “friends” personality that I utilize when at a party, or out and about in a large group, that allows me to be more social, less self conscious, and much louder than I would normally be. Does this mean that I’m being fake with most of my “friends?” Not necessarilly, I’m just guarding certain areas of my personality, and amplifying others. It allows me to mingle and socialize with people that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to.

Then there is my public personality. This is the person that is on this blog, playing music, writing songs, etc. This personality is EVERYTHING in me amplified. Pain is worse, joy is greater, anger is hotter, etc. Simply put Fathomless REgression is me unbridled.

Finally there is my real personality. Currently in the world there are 6 people who actually interact with this person. 3 of which are my wife, daughter, and son. This personality is just me. No walls, no blocking, I lay everything out for them.

This leads me back to my initial question. Is this really a problem? Some people would say that you should be yourself in front of everyone and they can take it or leave it. I find that to be a very immature attitude that doesn’t really hold up as you become more ingrained in a professional environment and still want to maintain a personal world. I keep all of these worlds and personalities separate for the most part, and many of my “friends” from any of these different worlds don’t even interact with one another. After typing this, I”m realizing that this does sound a little weird. Ah well. Tis me.

Fathomless Regression
(the rambler)

Spam in the place where we live…

What’s my definition of SPAM? Shit Propelled At Many!!! Have we become so used to spam in our lives that we have just become immune to it? Even worse, have begun to encourage it? I have been paying more attention to popular music lately. I’m not entirely sure why, but for some reason I feel like I should be monitoring it more. Maybe so I can fuel my rage over the direction in which its heading, hence driving me to create more of my own music. Maybe so I have an idea of what type of garbage my daughter will soon be listening to. Or maybe I am slowly assimilating to the culture that surrounds. We’re going to hope for 1 and 2.

It all started with Beyonce’s single “All The Single Ladies.” This is the video that Kanye West seems to think is the “greatest of all time.” I’m not sure when aerobicizing with two other girls in a plain white room become creative, but I suppose I’m a little out of touch. So I found the video after all of the MTV VMA controversy, which led me to a related video of a band called Pomplamoose. If you haven’t checked them out, do so. This led me full circle back to Beyonce’s song. She is singing about how some man should married her, or “put a ring on it,” if he were so in love with her. He didn’t so she, in all of her empowered self, moved on. What’s interesting to me is as I mentally scanned over Beyonce’s catalog of hit singles all the way from her Destiny’s Child days to now, I realized that she has produced an awful lot of songs about being an “independent” woman, and breaking free of a man, and doing her own thing. Being single, staying strong, leaving guys who treated her poorly, etc. When she first came on the scene, I was okay with all of this. Alright, you’re young, you’re still a nobody more or less, I’ll buy it. Maybe you’ve been treated poorly. You’ve had some young heartaches. But c’mon, she’s 28 years old now and has been with Jay-Z, one of the most prominent and wealthy rappers of all time, for 7 years! Don’t you think it’s time to move onto a new topic. We get it, you’re an “independent” woman (who by the way admitted being in a state of depression for several years after the breakup of a long term relationship) who maybe had her heart broken. Been a while though, and maybe it’s time to get over it. Anyone remember the lead singer of Everclear crying about his dad leaving when he was a kid? That got old fast, and so has this.

Moving on. Avril Lavigne. We were warned about the Canadians, now look where we are. All joking aside, I don’t mind Avril as much as I should. Mainly because she does some actual creative work. She writes a lot of her own material and is involved in the recording/mixing process. BUT…She too is fake for the sake of marketability. Her first single off of her last album, a song called “Girlfriend,” is all about how she has a thing for some guy who already has a girlfriend. In the song, Avril proclaims that she “don’t like your girlfriend.” The single was released in mid 2007, a year after Avril was already married. Why would she be writing songs about some crush when she’s already married. Either she’s a cheating slut, or she is writing songs that appeal to a crowd that is guaranteed to buy her album. The video features her in several high school scenes picking on this girlfriend and eventually getting the guy. Avril was 23 at the time. 23!!! That means that the only reason she would be in a high school is for her 5 year class reunion.

Moving on. Jonas brothers. Two are in their twenties and the youngest is 17. the YOUNGEST is 17. Listen to their music, watch their TV show, and then think about the fact that they are 17, 20, and 22. You’ll get to where I’m at.

Country singers talking about horses, trucks, and other things that they have nothing to do with. Ever been to Nashville? Now, ever farmed? Not the same thing. I grew up in farm country. Real farm country, where you actually can’t see your neighbors house. Your “neighbor” is as far away as most neighboring cities to Nashville.

Rappers going on and on about their struggles and the ghetto, being thugs, etc. Some of them have struggled, and music is great therapy. A lot of them; however, are doing it for image purposes. You have no idea how many rappers I’ve met from suburbia who go on and on about how “gangsta” they really are.

In the end I’m just really tired of hearing all of the good looking, successful, wealthy, multi-platinum artists go on and on about not finding love, their struggles, and their awful painful lives. Taylor Swift can’t find love? We’re supposed to believe that she’s the geeky tomboy? Okay, sure. We’re supposed to believe that someone is breaking Christina’s heart? Millions of guys around the world are fantasizing about her, and she can’t find anyone? Blink 182 was talking about junior high drama into their damn thirties.

I long for something relevant to come out of popular music. Something of substance and truth. In the end I guess that’s why I make music. Because no one else is making the music that I want. So I make it for myself. I guess the fact that my music isn’t popular is proof of my “refined tastes.” Kidding of course. Still, the next time you’re hearing that catchy single on the radio about the gorgeous country singer getting dumped by her boyfriend, the football team captain, in his chevy, in their quaint souther town, hop onto wiki. You may be surprised to find out that she is in her twenties, from a town of half a million people, and grew up in a well to do family that were all driving asian imports, not american made trucks. Then think of me as you change the station.

Fathomless Regression
(the rambler)

I leave you with some lyrics by an ever so talented and intelligent rapper…please let these be motivation to create something ORIGINAL. The world needs it:

Have a baby
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Be a millionaire, Be a, Be a millionaire
Have a baby
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Be a millionaire, Be a, Be a millionaire

First it’s her neck, yeah then her back
Yeah I’m a freak, I get into all that
Girl I perform for ya, like a porno star
Till ya had enough then I just need a little bit more
New music new move new position
New erotic sounds is goin down now listen
I can hear your heartbeat, you’re sweatin I can paint a perfect picture
I get deeper and deeper, I told ya I’ll get ya
I work that murk that just the way ya like it baby
Turn a quickie into an all nighter maybe
Your sex drive it match my sex drive
Then we be movin as fast as a NASCAR ride
Switch gears slow down, go down whoa now
You can feel every inch of it when we intimate
I’ll use my tongue baby, I’ll leave you sprung baby
I’ll have ya head spinnin sayin 50 so crazy

Girl I want you to give me what you got and give me more
Girl you can start on top or on fours
You know I like it, when you get into it
Don’t nobody do it, uh, like I do it
Feel the rush, from my touch, get intoxicated
Drunk off my love, call the Hennesey thug
Passion, ya laughin, I can make you smile on the regular
Tell me what you want, shorty, that’s what I’ma get ya
Yeah, I need you to be what I need, more than liquor or weed
I need you to maybe give me a seed
I need you to give me reason to breathe
I need you, I’m tellin this so you know what I need
I’d be a part-time or full-time lovers, a meant-to-be lover
Don’t matter which way it go, I’m oh so gutta
Girl you could get it however you wan’ get it
I’m feelin you, still feelin you right now, get it

Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Be a millionaire, Be a, Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Be a millionaire, Be a, Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Have a baby by me, baby! Be a millionaire
Be a millionaire, Be a, Be a millionaire

Amazing kids

It occurred to me today that I’ve got amazing kids. In more ways than one I can’t imagine having smarter, livelier, more beautiful kids. One very small example struck me a minute ago when talking with a friend of mine. His son has had trouble sleeping through the night since birth. He’s no 1 and some change. This is a common problem for most parents, but my wife and I seem to be exemt. We are fortunate to have had two kids who have no trouble sleeping through the night and that have allowed us to avoid the walking zombie condition that strikes down so many new parents. So what’s our secret? I have no idea. Blind luck I suppose. My wife and I have some theories as to why our kids have never fought sleep but we honestly don’t have an answer. We’re just grateful for each rest filled night.

Fathomless regression
(the rambler)

The Psychopath’s Guide to Parenting part 2

As many of you reading this already know, I am not exactly eager to have visitors. One of the main disturbances to be has always been relatives, and friends, who come to see my kids rather than me or my wife. So is this just some materialization of my own selfish attitude? Yes, but not because I want the attention myself. Instead I view it as someone stealing away MY time with my kids. I have a seemingly unique view of my children. In this view, I see about 13 years with each of them where they will actually WANT to be around their daddy. Every single second that others are around, I view them as interrupting what little time I have with my kids. This is also why I don’t have bed times for my kids, and why my wife and I don’t ever have babysitters. I’ll have all the time in the world to be away from my kids, after they’ve grown tired of me.

Furthermore, it seems to me that others like to “second hand smoke” my children. By that I mean, that people who don’t have kids of their own, or in the case of grandparents, have passed their time of being a parent, want to be around my kids while it’s convenient and fun. They want to come over, see how cute they are, play with them, get their fill, and then leave. It’s almost as if grandparents see that their time for raising children has passed and now they want a second crack at it. Taking this theory a bit further, I almost wonder if parents who didn’t focus enough on their kids when they were young, and who didn’t spend enough time with them, are now trying to recapture some of that time by hovering around their grandchildren. This might explain why they’re so obsessed with grandchildren.

I’ve made a pledge to my wife that we will absorb every last second with our children, so that when they have their own kids, they’ll be free to enjoy them without us constantly buzzing around trying to make up for lost time. But this is all just me being crazy, and it’s possible that people who are around my children really just enjoy spending time with them, and I’m just extremely selfish. This is probably true, but it doesn’t change the fact that I protect my time with my kids quite extremely and will probably continue to feel very hostile towards those who invade on this time.

Fathomless Regression
(the rambler)

Sooo tired

I’ve been really busy lately trying to finish tracking for my album and doing a bit of mixing as well. It’s been kind of hectic and it’s tough to find time to do all of the things on this record that I want to do. Things are coming along and when I’m done I’ll breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Fathomless Regression
(the rambler)

Absence

I haven’t put a long post up here in a while…and today will be no exception. It seems that many, almost all, of my friends are moving away. It is what it is as they say. Life will go on I imagine.

Fathomless regression
(the rambler)

Weathering Emotions

The weather outside is cold and dreary. I don’t know why but my emotions seem to be tied to the climate. I’m feeling dreary today. Depressed, unsure, apprehensive. That’s what I feel. That’s all I’ve got.

Fathomless Regression
(the rambler)

A New song

Here is the first draft of a new tune that I’m working on. Enjoy.
The Grove

Fathomless Regression
(the rambler)

I’m Not Extraordinary

As I was driving to work today I realized that there is nothing terribly unique about me. I work a job to support my family. I have dreams that will probably not come to fruition. I am surrounded by people that don’t really know me yet we share pits exchanges. It’s quite astounding how different my life is now as compared to what I imagined it would be when iwas 18. That could have something to do with the fact that I was a fucking moron back then, but who knows?

My brain runs in cycles, as I’ve said before. My level of control over my thoughts and moods tends to ebb and flow. I’m starting to lose the battle again. I can always feel this coming because I always get writers block just before a fit of depression. In fact I tend to think that depression might be the result of writers block.

It’s early. I’m rambling. I’m pissed off.

Fathomless Regression
(the rambler)

A night to remember (or wish I could)

September 11th, 2009

3:00pm – go to friend’s house to meet up
3:15pm – leave friend’s house to pick up another friend
4:00pm – with 3 of us in the car, we set out for Indianapolis
4:45pm – get pulled over for speeding
5:00pm – get let off with a warning
6:30pm – arrive at venue, get told that the club isn’t open yet and they won’t let us in
6:40pm – arrive at bar down the street from venue, drink 2 beers each, buy cigarettes
7:00pm – arrive back at venue, show is supposed to start at 7:00pm
7:05pm – buy a round of beers and double shots of tequila
8:05pm – show hasn’t started yet
8:10pm – friend announces that he is buying us 15 beers, right now
8:17pm – beers arrive, beer to people ratio at our table now reaches 5 to 3
8:30pm – upon realization of beer to people ratio I announce that we’ll probably be sleeping in the car tonight
9:00pm – beers are surprisingly starting to dwindle, show is beginning with opening act
9:30pm – opening act has finished sucking
10:00pm – 2nd opening act begins sucking, but less than the previous act, beers are almost gone, shots ordered

**Memories begin to get fuzzy, filled in by random pictures, and stories gathered from witnesses**

10:30pm – Marcy Playground (the band we came to see) finally goes on
11:00pm – still getting face rocked off by Marcy Playground, order another BUCKET of beers
11:30pm – shockingly the beers are already gone, and so are the cigarettes
12:00pm – standing around, waiting to meet the band, face has been completely rocked off
12:30pm – still standing around, waiting to meet the band, meet interesting person named Troy
12:45pm – decline beer offering from friends
01:30am – band is finally done signing autographs and we arrange to meet
02:00am – blank memory
02:30amish – fuzzy memory of van ride (we didn’t bring a van)
02:45amish – we arrive at a hole in the wall karaoke bar near the band’s hotel
02:46amish – my cell phone is dead, friend drunkenly refuses to lend me his, borrow strangers and call my wife to say we’re not making it home
03:00amish – start chatting with band, they’re awesome, friend sings karaoke with their lead singer
03:30amish – starting to feel sober, order a beer, still have no cigarettes
03:35amish – blank memory
03:45amish – arrive in band’s hotel room
03:50amish – blank memory
03:55amish – find friend in lobby arguing with a front desk clerk about NOTHING, watch him trip and crawl up the stairs
04:00amish – witness acoustic jam session with band, melt with glee, decline a beer (memory filled in by video)
04:30amish – leave hotel and set out on foot to find car
04:45amish – wander aimlessly trying to find car, watch both friends pee in public
04:50amish – blank memory
05:00amish – blank memory
05:05amish – driving to taco bell (peed in public at some point)
05:10amish – friend’s GPS dies trying to find interstate
05:30amish – blank memory
05:45amish – wake up with friends yelling at each other about who got us lost
06:00amish – blank memory
06:05amish – awoken by the bumps on the side of the interstate, friend passed out at the wheel
06:15amish – awoken by the bumps on the side of the interstate again, friend passed out at the wheel again
06:30amish – pull off the interstate to rest
06:50amish – determined to make it home, we reenter the interstate, I assume that I’m going to die, and pass out
07:00amish – blank memory
08:00amish – blank memory
08:40amish – wake up on street in hometown, drive to friend’s house
08:50amish – arrive at friend’s house amazed that I’m alive and go inside
09:00amish – after waiting for a cell phone to charge I call my wife, our first contact since the drunken phone call over 6 hours ago
09:30am – get in wife’s car and she takes me home
02:00pm – wake up on the couch feeling awful, tell previous story to wife

Rough estimates from photographs, fuzzy memories, and video are as follows:

2 packs of cigarettes
6 shots of liquor
48 beers
2.25 hours from home to venue
4.5 hours from venue to home (many wrong turns and pass out sessions)
3 young men
1 hell of a night

Thanks to John Wozniak from Marcy Playground for chilling with us, and humoring what must have been some drunken morons in his hotel room all night. Thanks to “Troy in the plaid shirt” for giving me your cell phone, and thanks to the wonderful waitress who didn’t have the good sense to cut us off.

Fathomless Regression
(the rambler)